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Happiness
& Bliss
by Samurai Gigi
Just
a little something to think about.
EARLY RETIREMENT POLICY FOR ALL CURRENT EMPLOYEES
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department
areas,
we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel. Under this
plan,
older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore,
a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via retirement will be placed into effect immediately This program
will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity
to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may
file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study
by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the
new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be
SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and
CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES
or CLAP will no longer by SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company
takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. WE have given
our
employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an
employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand. |
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