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The Fashionable Human
A Report By Taishou Shaiya
When choosing your prey, observation of their fashion
sense is a must. While Brittney-Spear look-alikes may be tempting
kills, we must always be aware of the contamination factor inherent in
such creatures. Likewise, there are a rare few Humans who share our
hunting tastes, and may be willing to engage in partnership sport.
This report will discuss some Human fashion traits which will allow the
reader to be more conscious in choosing their prey from hereonin.
During the last several weeks, I have been observing
Human society undercover in the guise of one of their own kind. While
it has been extremely difficult to avoid revealing my true nature in the
constant presence of these beasts, I have nonetheless managed to restrain
my bloodlust in order to acquire the most accurate information as possible.
As an early reporter, I found the Human social customs of the area extremely
confusing. Many of the young members of the race were contrary, hypocritical,
and extremely malleable in the face of their peers. I believe this
information may prove useful to anyone successfully infiltrating their
society for extended periods of time. This "peer pressure" system
explains why a great deal of young Humans dress nearly identically; a fact
which makes determining the best prey solely by dress difficult at times
within their age group. However, dress alone does not determine fashion
sense, and a fashion-aware Human is not necessarily fashionable.
While dress does determine a great deal in the area
of social status, it is also a hindrance to those in the highest power
of their society. Specific forms of dress are required in many professions.
It is THESE forms of fashion that hunters must focus on. Skirts,
expensive mens' shoes, ties, constrictive jackets, and high heels are some
of the most useful fashion accessories in this day and age for the successful
businesshuman. For our kind, however, any accessory which slows the
prey, causes them to stumble or become short of breath, is an ally.
Too-tight belts fall within this category, as well as a number of other
clothes. This is not a new observation; however- it is not just CLOTHES
that can work for us in this world of Human vanity. With many Humans,
hairstyle can also be a factor. The sheer weight of many hairsprays
can tip the balance in the chase. Slowing the prey and keeping them
off-balance, fashion can be the death of them... literally.
Generally, one can tell whether the victim will
be a good choice of prey by the color scheme of their prey's outfit.
Anything pink, in this writer's opinion, means "EAT ME! Oh, PLEASE!
Eat me!" while orange means "I'm either a bleach blonde or someone with
no taste. Eat me, but I may give you gas." The only colors
our kind must watch out for are black and blood red. While a blood
red shirt may scream out "easy prey," don't be fooled. Many of the
red wearing Humans are constantly in PMS mode- a fact that bodes ill for
the weaker members of our kind. As for black clothes, this only applies
when the black is worn on both top and bottom, or with black leather steel-tipped
boots. Generally the black-wearing Humans not only have fashion sense
in abundance, but are wiser than to blindly follow the current trends,
instead content to kick any Brittney-Spear wannabes in the backside when
they are criticized.
While the Human society is confusing and ridiculous
at the best of times, and while they are most obviously lower forms of
life, this species of prey can also be dangerous. For this reason,
if none other, I continue to advise caution to the young members of our
own race who are anxious to make their first Human kill. Please kids,
remember that while high heels may make your prey stumble and trip over
their own two feet, they can also be employed as lethal weapons.
If you feel the need to go out unaccompanied to find your prey just remember-
anything that can survive eating school food has to be tougher than it
looks. Signing off,
Taishou Shaiya
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